It's My Turn....
Ever since my last post on 5th Dec, I have been trying to update my blog, either the little voice inside me telling me to do so or the urges from my “fans”. Well, I did try to write something, but it lasted for just half a paragraph, in the end, I lost the interest to continue. I wanted to write a lot of things. The detailed activities and itinerary of my wonderful Hong Kong trip that made me feel miserable soon after the vacation ended and when I put my first step into the dungeon. I wanted so much to stay in Disneyland and never come back. It was like fairy tale, the fantasy that everyone could ever dream of to own. It was totally the opposite way round when I’m back to the reality!
I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on the day when I finally met him after exactly one year and a week since I last saw him. Things that happened for the past one year was beyond expectations, and yet I’m taking all in and swallowing them in my soul. I wanted to bury all the old thoughts and memories, which are still haunting me and yet I couldn’t make it. The old feelings for him are not dead yet....
I wanted to share with everyone how great my weekends were after Hong Kong trip, spent time with my family members in Orchard Road to witness the happening city decorated with all the Christmas Trees and great Season Greeting’s atmosphere. Not to forget, Shah’s wife delivered a baby girl on 16th Dec 2005 and left me working like hell, damn busy throughout the whole week. That weekend, Fab 4 shared a night to cherish the last two weekends we would be together before our closest members, Karn left for KL. The next day was in Sentosa Island (on Christmas Day), the place that I went 14 years ago and never revisited it although I went to Singapore frequently.
So many things happened for the past 3 weeks and yet I failed to write in the blog. Those are the precious and memorable events to remember forever. Well, great time never last forever. I have to face one of the facts and I always refused to accept. The event that finally due and was going to happen. I was not prepared at all although the news came almost two months ago. I was never aware how great the loses I was going to face, till the moment came.
I can’t elaborate or write too much here because I am trying very hard to pull myself together and not cry in front of my family members here in Singapore. I don’t want them to see my vulnerable side as I’m always the independent and strong little sister to them. I can’t cry! NO!!!!!
Tears betrayed me…. I am crying… my sister in law is looking at me and asked if my sickness has gone worse. Yes, I lost my voices few days ago without reasons and currently having sore throat. I spent 2006 new year’s eve and new year sleeping at home, did nothing but sleeping. And now she thought that I’m having flu because she heard me coughing, sneezing and eyes are red, holding some tissues.
What made me writing my blog now is because of Karn’s updates. Yes, I could not help but crying like a mad cow on what she wrote on her blog, Yes, I cried two days before she left, riding bike on the way back to my dungeon room. Yes, I cried on the night after watching her packing her belongings till 3am in the morning on my bed. Yes I cried on the way to her departure location in Ainie’s car. Yes, I cried hugging her, I refused to say GOOD BYE because I didn’t want her to leave. I couldn’t say GOOG BYE because I was crying hard. And YES, FOR GOD SAKE I WAS CRYING READING HER SMS-ES AND WHILE REPLYING HER SMS. AND HELL YES, I CRIED ON THE BUS TRAVELLING TO SINGAPORE THAT NIGHT.
“I will miss you very much”
“Very sad that you leave and now I have lost my all time companion and mate. The emptiness in me that you fill will be empty again from now on. I miss you very much and all the best there in KL. Take a very good care of yourself”
“You too Jen, I always want to try to cheer you up and I hope that you did get cheered up by me. I’m sad about leaving you and the rest too. Love you.”
I just locked myself in the bathroom to shed some tears. I’m getting emotional now and it’s terrible. They are peeping at me and wondering what’s wrong with me.
“Jen, don’t cry. Think of how to decorate your house and it will make you happy. I must see your house is finished decorated next time around when I come down.” She tried to calm me down in Ainie’s car but it’s so different now. So different……
Tears are rolling down on my cheeks, my eyes are blurry and my mind is messy. All the memories flash back from the day I know her with her some sort of arrogant charisma until we were very close and bonded together almost every night and day in the office. Who else I can rely on to share my loneliness with if it’s not with her? We are almost sharing the same situation and she’s the one who understands me the most on what’s going on with my life in the isolated island, dungeon, prison or whatever shit you want to name it.
I lied on the floor deadly watching the Singaporeans counting down “5, 4, 3, 2, 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006” on tv and yet I felt nothing. Years go by so fast and I wonder what I have done for the past one year in 2005. I have cried the most in 2005, more than I had ever done for my entire life. Why were they so bitter and sad to me? Why am I so vulnerable? I have no place to run, neither place to hide…… My emotions burst and my mentality was ruined.
A new year a new beginning? Who said so? If it’s new beginning why all the things been dragging for so many years, years after years and I’m still standing still? Who can make me forget about everything in past and erase all from my memories? All the things should go out from my head! I don’t care whether they are bitter, sweet or whatever moments, I don’t want them all. I can’t take it, I can’t stay any longer to weep, cry, sad, mourn, joy, laugh, giggle, sob, stun, puzzle, wonder and I wish to feel nothing…. Please make me a robot, a robot without feelings, emotions and soul. I’m sick of feelings how human beings are feeling now…. People come and go in my life and please, I’m begging, maybe this time it’s my turn to go out from people’s life…..
I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on the day when I finally met him after exactly one year and a week since I last saw him. Things that happened for the past one year was beyond expectations, and yet I’m taking all in and swallowing them in my soul. I wanted to bury all the old thoughts and memories, which are still haunting me and yet I couldn’t make it. The old feelings for him are not dead yet....
I wanted to share with everyone how great my weekends were after Hong Kong trip, spent time with my family members in Orchard Road to witness the happening city decorated with all the Christmas Trees and great Season Greeting’s atmosphere. Not to forget, Shah’s wife delivered a baby girl on 16th Dec 2005 and left me working like hell, damn busy throughout the whole week. That weekend, Fab 4 shared a night to cherish the last two weekends we would be together before our closest members, Karn left for KL. The next day was in Sentosa Island (on Christmas Day), the place that I went 14 years ago and never revisited it although I went to Singapore frequently.
So many things happened for the past 3 weeks and yet I failed to write in the blog. Those are the precious and memorable events to remember forever. Well, great time never last forever. I have to face one of the facts and I always refused to accept. The event that finally due and was going to happen. I was not prepared at all although the news came almost two months ago. I was never aware how great the loses I was going to face, till the moment came.
I can’t elaborate or write too much here because I am trying very hard to pull myself together and not cry in front of my family members here in Singapore. I don’t want them to see my vulnerable side as I’m always the independent and strong little sister to them. I can’t cry! NO!!!!!
Tears betrayed me…. I am crying… my sister in law is looking at me and asked if my sickness has gone worse. Yes, I lost my voices few days ago without reasons and currently having sore throat. I spent 2006 new year’s eve and new year sleeping at home, did nothing but sleeping. And now she thought that I’m having flu because she heard me coughing, sneezing and eyes are red, holding some tissues.
What made me writing my blog now is because of Karn’s updates. Yes, I could not help but crying like a mad cow on what she wrote on her blog, Yes, I cried two days before she left, riding bike on the way back to my dungeon room. Yes, I cried on the night after watching her packing her belongings till 3am in the morning on my bed. Yes I cried on the way to her departure location in Ainie’s car. Yes, I cried hugging her, I refused to say GOOD BYE because I didn’t want her to leave. I couldn’t say GOOG BYE because I was crying hard. And YES, FOR GOD SAKE I WAS CRYING READING HER SMS-ES AND WHILE REPLYING HER SMS. AND HELL YES, I CRIED ON THE BUS TRAVELLING TO SINGAPORE THAT NIGHT.
“I will miss you very much”
“Very sad that you leave and now I have lost my all time companion and mate. The emptiness in me that you fill will be empty again from now on. I miss you very much and all the best there in KL. Take a very good care of yourself”
“You too Jen, I always want to try to cheer you up and I hope that you did get cheered up by me. I’m sad about leaving you and the rest too. Love you.”
I just locked myself in the bathroom to shed some tears. I’m getting emotional now and it’s terrible. They are peeping at me and wondering what’s wrong with me.
“Jen, don’t cry. Think of how to decorate your house and it will make you happy. I must see your house is finished decorated next time around when I come down.” She tried to calm me down in Ainie’s car but it’s so different now. So different……
Tears are rolling down on my cheeks, my eyes are blurry and my mind is messy. All the memories flash back from the day I know her with her some sort of arrogant charisma until we were very close and bonded together almost every night and day in the office. Who else I can rely on to share my loneliness with if it’s not with her? We are almost sharing the same situation and she’s the one who understands me the most on what’s going on with my life in the isolated island, dungeon, prison or whatever shit you want to name it.
I lied on the floor deadly watching the Singaporeans counting down “5, 4, 3, 2, 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006” on tv and yet I felt nothing. Years go by so fast and I wonder what I have done for the past one year in 2005. I have cried the most in 2005, more than I had ever done for my entire life. Why were they so bitter and sad to me? Why am I so vulnerable? I have no place to run, neither place to hide…… My emotions burst and my mentality was ruined.
A new year a new beginning? Who said so? If it’s new beginning why all the things been dragging for so many years, years after years and I’m still standing still? Who can make me forget about everything in past and erase all from my memories? All the things should go out from my head! I don’t care whether they are bitter, sweet or whatever moments, I don’t want them all. I can’t take it, I can’t stay any longer to weep, cry, sad, mourn, joy, laugh, giggle, sob, stun, puzzle, wonder and I wish to feel nothing…. Please make me a robot, a robot without feelings, emotions and soul. I’m sick of feelings how human beings are feeling now…. People come and go in my life and please, I’m begging, maybe this time it’s my turn to go out from people’s life…..
posted by sesame seed @ 1:38 am
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