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"Why all the sudden you are so sad? What's bothering you? Who is it? Who caused all these? All this while to me you are very happy go lucky person. You never mention about it"

"I never mention doesn't mean I am happy." while my watery eyes were avoiding eye contact with her and finding places to stare.

Well, I could never be so successful than this. I have conned the world that I am problem-free person. I am happy and contented. Many times I told myself, I should be grateful for what I have, there are a lot of people on earth who are so unfortunate, starving and struggling to live. Is it fair for a person like me to morn and grief on such problem? Others couldn’t even meet basic needs of living and why the hell am I so pathetic on those stupid things?

“Jen, be strong. Life isn’t just about this. There are a lot of good things ahead of you. God will come to your need when you call upon Him.”

“Jen, let it be a lesson for you, not punishment”

The cousin’s wedding’s eve raised a lot of questions around the table, especially pointed at me.

“When’s your turn to get married? Where is your boyfriend? Next year bring one back you know?”

“Look at your living condition at your current work place? I have been there and how can you live in such environment? Go to some other place and get a new life. It’s dangerous for you to stay alone there.”

“It’s about time for you to go out and see the world. Change your job, change your life and don’t ever stay in such remote area. It will not bring you any further. There are a lot of opportunities to grab, come on, don’t waste your talent, get a phd! Or second road for you, get a rich husband and have easy life later on.”

With all the sentences playback in my head, I started to ask myself, is it worth for me to suffer silently by myself? Is it the right way to solve a problem which is no longer there? Although the problem was serious before, it will not get any serious, and now it’s just history.

“Jen!! Go out and get yourself some SUNSHINE!”

What the hell am I doing? What the heck is wrong with me? Am I trying to get sympathy from everyone? Look at what I have gotten myself into! I stepped on shit and got it all over my body and now I’m trying to spread the shit to others?

Devil, listen here, get the F**K out of my life! I’m telling you this! F**K OFF!!!