CLIFF OF DEATH

There are a lot of things inside me that I wish to pour out. I have been sitting in front of the monitor so long trying hard to type something out of my mind. But every time I finished one sentence, I felt it’s not the way I wanted to express my thoughts. I know something is wrong with me. I wish I could fix it, but I could not, why am I still acting strange, suffering in pain, sorrow, and grieves? If I could change myself, why am I still losing my mind, concentration and focus? If I could be happy, why the tears still falling down and I have to fake smiles and laughter just to imitate other people’s normal reaction?

“DON’T FROWN COZ IT’S OVER, SMILE COZ IT HAPPENED”, I have read this thousand times and it sounds meaningful. But why it is not applicable to me? I feel sad, upset, angry, mad, frustrated, exhausted, tired, cheated, disappointed, devastated, shocked, empty, blank, numb, frozen and DEAD. My soul is at the cliff of death, I feel my spirit is dying to jump off the cliff, crash into pieces and disappear from the real world.

Does anyone know what I have been through? Does anyone care? Is it fair to punish myself like this due to other’s actions? I wanted to forgive and love myself because no one will do except me, but I couldn’t make it. I still hate myself for everything. I hate every single little thing I did and I loathe the look of the face in the mirror. It didn’t need a genius to see it, I was TOTALLY AN IDIOT to understand the equation. 1 + 1 = 2 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL NEVER BECOME 3!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU IDIOT!?!?!?!?