"Fly Me To The Moon"

The trip to Malacca brought back a lot of my memories. It’s the first turning point of my life from a secondary school girl who always under the protection of the family to travel down alone to a new strange place and met new people. I always am the one independent ever since I was small. For the sake of the universal language, my father enrolled me to Singapore English Class from standard 3 to standard 5 for 3 years. I have to take bus from my hometown bus stop to Alor Setar bus station for about one hour and walked to my tuition centre weekly. The result of it, I was one of the best English student in Primary school. Hahahah…. Well, I was the top student in the school for every subject what… small kampung ma! I used to envy other kids who had their parents to fetch them up and down from school, tuition class etc. I wished my parents did that to me too, but they were too busy with their business to focus on our studies or school matters. We were left alone to do whatever we want, and thank god that 5 of us managed to finish our studies and brought pride to my family.

As what I had been through, I packed my bags and basic necessities to enroll in Multimedia University, Malacca Campus for first year. Other parents with their big posh cars, branded luggage, holding small slim handphone, queuing up with their sons or daughters for enrolment. I had no one with me besides myself! Hahah…. If only now I have my year 2000/01 diary with me, I would have cry out loud, loud my lungs out and all sorts of emotions mixed up together. It’s all the memories that brought me this far, with tears and laughter.

Suddenly the song just flashed through my mind and I was humming it “I’m leaving on the jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again…” It reminded me of him who we used to sing together over the phone when I called him in June 2000. My uni holiday was just ended and about to leave my hometown, back to Malacca by bus. “I just call to tell you that I’m leaving” Then he started to sing and I sang along as well. We were full of sadness…. Well at that point of time, I never met him in person at all. We had the special relationship for almost 3 years without meeting up until I planned a trip down to Singapore then in September 2002. We had been through all weathers, sunny, rainy, cloudy and stormy days and yet I loved him too much to give him up. I would give in every single time we quarrel. He’s hard headed person, so was I, but I couldn’t bear the thoughts of losing him.

If now I am questioned about what was it in him that I got attracted to to be so head over heel over him, the answer is “I DON’T KNOW”… I was just too stupid to build the castle in the air, I was too naïve to believe every single things that he said to me. All the lovey dovey things that melted my heart away…. I admit that I do miss him from time to time, especially when I’m lonely (well, most of the time I’m alone isn’t it?) but we were not meant to be together.

“Jen, there is no chemistry between us anymore” the cruelest thing ever done to me.

Lately, I repeated the same mistake. I fell for someone who was so caring and nice to me. He could talk everything under the sun to me, to ease my loneliness and he was always there for me. I started to misinterpret all the signals and I pushed myself down the drain. When I started to be in cloud nine, with all the happy thoughts, I was given a big slap. When you needed someone so much is the time you must let him go! Why wasn’t I given the privilege to own what I wish to have? Life is so unfair to me. What do I want from him? Merely cares and concerns? Human’s greed is hard to please, I am just an ordinary human who ask for a simple thing. I wish to love and be loved. But every time, I love and wasn’t loved by them. I should vanish from the earth…… I should board the jet plane and fly away……. “Fly me to the moon” by Frank Sinatra……..